A Winter Nightmare

Winter Nightmare

Winter Nightmare

Hello everyone and welcome to my blog. Chances are the majority of people reading this are from the AW Forum, so welcome AW’ers. For those of you who don’t know AW you should check it out. It’s a rather fun little forum with writing folk. This post is part of the January Blog Chain, this month’s theme a Winter Nightmare. So let me introduce you to my story (i warn you, it’s rather dark)…

Her memory is like the bitter, sharp cold of the freezing wind outside. It tries to be invisible, and in summer it is, yet now I can see it… I can see its destruction against the leaves. Attacking people’s faces, the excruciating pain wrapping itself around their unsuspecting eyes, creating havoc and leaving behind nothing but despair. I can feel their pain, their need to come inside and escape the cold. Yet there is no escape, it lingers on in the bones, reminding you… taunting you of what once was.

The warmth of the coffee cup, black and sugarless like her heart, it heats my hand. Yet I still feel numb. Why does my whole body feel lifeless and empty? Why, after all this time do I still see her in my reflection? The darkness of outside illuminates my face in the window but all I see is her! She keeps the fight going despite being so far away. She told me she was leaving yet she never did. I can still see her dark brown eyes, the elegance and thoughtfulness teasing me, reminding me of the beginning and hiding the hurt she had in store.

Her memory lingers below my skin, it eats away at me…I want to tear it free, pull it out and heave it at the cold, dripping window. Yet it doesn’t matter how much I scratch it remains, the cold throbbing feeling of her touch, the bitter sharpness of her skin. I long for you to be gone, but my longing for you to return outweighs it. I know its torture, I know as long as I feel this way the torture will remain. Each day bringing knew pain, a pain I once thought impossible, but now…today… is real.

Another battering gust attacks at the pain of glass, the shattering vibrations ringing up my cheek, the cold just inches away now. Why do I keep looking, why do I allow myself to look outside and imagine I’m one of them? It’s in the past; it’s the me I used to be. That person has gone, the hopeful, ambitious being has long since left, packed his bags and moved to somewhere new and brighter.

This place is in the midst of winter and I have no idea if it will ever pass. The long dark days linger and taunt me each and every time. I imagine what it used to be like, how the sun once shone down. I seem to remember it being warm and comforting, often too tight and claustrophobic. Yet surely that is better! Surely the idea of too much is better than nothing at all. Surely the idea of someone being close is better than being so alone. Alone here in this house once filled with laughter and hope, an ambition filling the walls, part of its foundations, filling the cracks between each layer of brick.

Now it’s lonesome and empty, the echoes drifting through the hallway and brushing the wallpaper we once put up together. I remember the day; the bright light shining through, smudges of paint filling our cheeks. Playful… flirtatious… it felt so good. It was if we were children playing outside, greeting each other for the first time and allowing one another to enter our lives. How long ago was it? Was it recent? Was it so long ago that the memory will soon vanish forever?

Part of me hopes it will. Part of me hopes the memory will die, along with the hope and the ambition. Outside is where the hope belongs, outside; in the summer time is where all the ambition will reside. Winter is for despair…cold, dark despair that lingers under your skin.

It tries to cheer you up, give you a glimpse of light with Christmas trees and children laughing. I remember once loving it, along with so much else. Yet now it feels fake, a corporate affair of hypocrisy and denial. Why put such a holiday in the midst of the cold and aching bitterness. Why not save it for sunlight, for a time when we can rejoice. You taunt us with happiness, it’s unattainable, why try kid us into thinking anything but.

My head now hurts, the aching sharpness of the freezing outside seeping through the glass, attacking my head and roaming further, deeper inside. It joins the rest of my numbing pain, but at least I can no longer see the outside. With my eyes closed I can focus on within, a place where maybe one day I’ll feel something again. I’m tired of this, all of it. When will you leave me? Will I always feel this way?

I have vague memories of feeling like this before, a long time ago, a time when I was much younger, barely a real person at all. It felt vaguely like this, like I’d never recover again. Yet this feels worse, this feels more real. Was that merely preparing me for something further down the line? Was its only reason to exist to warn me of something much worse, a warning to stay away from the hurt and avoid it all together?

Don’t worry, for this time I will listen. This time I’ll be aware of my premonition, for I will never feel like this again. If I survive it through the darkness, into the spring and further into the heat, then I’ll learn from it. I’ll cling to the hate, let it engulf me forever and warn off advancing hope. The torture will remain in me for future times of need, a reminder to stay away and never allow this nightmare to come back again!

There you go guys, hope you like it. Please look at the fellow Blog Chain peeps below. Click on them and interact with some cool folk 🙂

orion_mk3 – http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com (link to this month’s post)
MamaStrong – http://writingofme.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
pyrosama – http://matrix-hole.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
LilGreenBookworm – http://themayhemofwritingsahm-style.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Domoviye – http://lets-get-happy.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
writingismypassion – http://charityfaye.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
kimberlycreates – http://www.kimberlycreates.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Abielle Rose – http://stainedglassinthenight.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Proach – http://desstories.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Suzanne Seese – http://viewofsue.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Alpha Echo – http://aprilplummer81.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Diana Rajchel – http://blog.dianarajchel.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Ralph Pines – http://ralfast.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Alynza – http://www.alynzasmith.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Literateparakeet – http://lesliesillusions.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
areteus – http://lurkingmusings.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)

Picture By R Scott Photography


About Turndog Millionaire

Strategic Marketing Consultant and Author of Fiction & Non-Fiction. Here to share my love for modern day marketing & writing. Can I Help?


26 thoughts on “A Winter Nightmare

  1. ” I’ll cling to the hate, let it engulf me forever and warn off advancing hope. The torture will remain in me for future times of need, a reminder to stay away and never allow this nightmare to come back again!”

    Beautiful ending. The whole thing was beautiful. Sadly beautiful, achingly beautiful. So very real and something to which we can all relate. It brought tears to my eyes, and I certainly hope it isn’t autobiographical! It’s very much like something I would write, actually. I’m a very optimistic person, but for some reason, a lot of my writing is dark and sad. Excellent. 🙂

    Posted by April Plummer (@April_Plummer) | January 12, 2012, 1:10 pm
    • Thanks April, that means a lot. I’m happy to say it’s never been that grim for me, but i did write it on a day when i was rather down. I always find myself writing rather dark things in times like these.

      Glad you liked it though, the Blog chain is a great way to practice some writing

      Matt (Turndog Millionaire)

      Posted by Turndog Millionaire | January 12, 2012, 1:27 pm
  2. Great writing…can really feel the ache! Good job.

    Posted by Charity | January 12, 2012, 3:22 pm
  3. Very evocative language! You’re also, surprisingly, the first chainer to go for fiction (at least I think it’s fiction), which is the total reverse of normal.

    Posted by alexp01 | January 12, 2012, 9:05 pm
    • I know, I noticed it was all non-fiction so far, but felt creating a fictional torture could be interesting. It’s quite nice to drive yourself down a sad road like that (in a very depressing kind of way) because i think it helps you appreciate the good times more.

      Art is heartache… or something like that

      Matt (Turndog Millionaire)

      Posted by Turndog Millionaire | January 12, 2012, 9:11 pm
  4. I’m glad you are not that grim because I was going to suggest antidepressants and be scared for you. You really captured despair in this piece. Good job.

    Posted by Suzanne Seese | January 12, 2012, 9:08 pm
  5. I love it, the vulnerability of innocence. We want to forget, yet we want to go back. I feel the conflict in this, it is beautiful to me.

    Posted by Diane Carlisle | January 13, 2012, 2:40 am
  6. I love how you seamlessly paralleled the memory of “her” with everything that surrounds him. i.e. the coldness outside, the coffee cup, glimpses of Christmas trees & children laughing. Brilliantly pulls out a voice filled with despair.

    You said this was dark, and it is, but I also thought it was quite lovely. 🙂

    Posted by Alynza | January 13, 2012, 4:34 pm
  7. Very nice description of the haunted feeling you get after losing someone. I think we’ve all been there.

    Posted by kimberlycreates | January 15, 2012, 9:16 pm
  8. Good emotion and description, I’m glad its all fictional.


    Posted by Dan | January 18, 2012, 3:44 pm
  9. Me too Dan 🙂

    and thanks a lot. It’s been a really good Blog Chain. Quite a few more to come too. Happy Days

    Matt (Turndog Millionaire)

    Posted by Turndog Millionaire | January 18, 2012, 4:38 pm
  10. I’ll have to be unoriginal and echo the others comments. The equating ‘her’ with winter as if they were one and the same. And your language and descriptions are excellent.

    Dark and beautiful.

    Posted by Dale Long | January 19, 2012, 8:25 pm
  11. Very moving… I hesitate to call it wonderful (though that is what comes to mind), because I believe such stock descriptions would cheapen the raw emotion. Nice addition to the chain.

    Posted by Thomas (in_one) | January 20, 2012, 1:22 am
  12. Great stuff, it is funny how much provocative thoughts and description brought out here. Winter really is this cold heartless *B word* that can steal you body, mind or your very soul.

    But nice one, who was the girl? 😉

    Posted by tomspy77 | January 23, 2012, 10:33 pm
  13. “Don’t worry, for this time I will listen. This time I’ll be aware of my premonition, for I will never feel like this again. If I survive it through the darkness, into the spring and further into the heat, then I’ll learn from it. I’ll cling to the hate, let it engulf me forever and warn off advancing hope. The torture will remain in me for future times of need, a reminder to stay away and never allow this nightmare to come back again!” Lyrical.

    Was it Sartre that said “hell is other people?”

    Posted by Diana Rajchel | January 24, 2012, 7:23 pm
  14. How sad. I think we’ve all been there at one time or another. Especially with winter and its too-short days and cold, forbidding weather. I think the dim, grey days and all that time spent indoors can turn us inward and help amplify negative emotions.

    Nice job, Turndog. I enjoyed your piece and was able to relate to the story very well.

    Posted by Bill | January 26, 2012, 11:35 am

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